Release the Illusion of Control

What do you do when people don’t behave the way you’d like them to? Or when a situation turns out differently than you would’ve preferred?

One of my clients—a popular senior staff member--shared about a recent conflict with a coworker. When the situation became serious, an HR specialist was asked to look into it. The specialist found that my client had done nothing wrong and shared the findings with both employees. Changes were made to ease residual tension, and the coworker began behaving more cordially and respectfully. However, my client told me she wished the coworker would directly acknowledge their part in the conflict.

I shared with her an incident when a colleague had mistreated me. Remembering the book Crucial Conversations, I decided to apologize for a small piece I had contributed to that situation and was relieved when my colleague started treating me better. Though I had wanted an apology from him, I hadn't been able to make that happen. 

As I listened to my client share about the painful incident with her coworker, I validated her feelings and asked her what she needed. She said it was helpful to talk it through and "get it out of her system." She also recognized that she didn't actually need an apology from her coworker to move forward. She would continue doing what was squarely within her power--to behave respectfully and professionally with all of her coworkers. The “ah ha” led her to greater acceptance and more peace.