Secrets of Influence
An early coaching client was a nonprofit leader who was feeling pinched between her boss’ exacting standards and a new employee who was having trouble settling in. During our sessions, the client identified ways to communicate clearly what was expected of her new staffer as well as training to grow her technical skills. Bigger challenges were the different personalities and communication styles of the leader and her employee.
Although she was uncomfortable confronting her new hire, my client asked the new person why she was missing work; she got vague answers. Their awkward interactions contributed greatly to my client’s stress level, as her own boss was pressing for quick results from the new employee.
Looking back, I wish I’d better understood the pivotal role empathy and other emotional intelligence (EI) skills play in successful leadership. If I had known about EI then, I would have supported my client to focus less on her new employee’s productivity and to show greater concern for her and build a relationship with her.
Research shows that the EI skills of self-awareness and empathy -- along with being trustworthy, accountable and true to your word -- are keys to being able to influence and lead others.
In their new book Optimal, Daniel Goleman and Cary Cherniss tell the story of a researcher at Nike who used genuine empathy and relationship building skills to listen to the concerns of initially apathetic shoe designers to eventually persuade the entire design team to develop non-toxic materials for their products.
What else is critical for being able to influence others? We must communicate with authenticity and curiosity and be able to manage our emotions when we get uncomfortable.
This passage from Yung Pueblo’s book Lighter illustrates how this works—or doesn’t: “Miscommunication between two people is incredibly common because every time someone speaks, they are translating their feelings into words, and then the other person has to interpret those words through the filter of their own current feelings and past emotional history.”
“Since we are communicating through filters of perception,” he adds, “it takes a certain degree of calmness and emotional maturity between two people to ask each other, ‘What do you mean by this?’ or ‘Can you tell me more?’ to really understand what is being said. Communication without patience is likely to turn into conflict. Communication with patience is likely to lead to deeper connection.”
What have you observed helps you influence people you work with?