How Do You Handle Expectations?
The start of a new year is a great time to consider ways to create new habits to advance our goals -- and an opportune time to learn new leadership skills.
When I was a Development Director, one day my boss brought me what seemed a screwball fundraising idea—one unlikely to raise much money that might even be dangerous. I asked why he wanted me to do it. He said he wasn’t asking me, he was telling me. That response didn’t sit well with me at all.
Years later I learned I was a “Questioner” -- someone who needs to understand the reasons something is being asked of me. I need help figuring out why an idea is worthwhile.
Might knowing your own tendency around expectations and that of your team members help you at work?
When I look back on that DD job, I wonder whether I might have stayed if my boss and I had understood that his style of management and my way of handling requests were incompatible. Would that knowledge have helped us collaborate more successfully?
A Way to Understand and Manage Ourselves
Best-selling author Gretchen Rubin (The Happiness Project, Better Than Before, Life in Five Senses) noticed that she and a friend spoke very differently about forming new habits. She began looking into why. Speaking with hundreds of people, she discerned four basic strategies for how we achieve our goals, create new routines and respond to requests.
She proposed a 4-part framework to explain the distinctions. Unlike the Myers-Briggs comprehensive personality assessment, Rubin’s Four Tendencies covers a single aspect of personality -- how people handle internal and external expectations.
Rubin observed, “No matter how ambitious, anxious, controlling, considerate, creative, extroverted or introverted they are, people with the same tendency respond similarly to their own and to others’ expectations.”
Our tendency is with us from childhood, she says, but we can change how we behave when we understand it. We can design our personal and work lives to capitalize on our innate strengths and develop strategies to manage our tendency's challenges.
Take the free quiz on Rubin’s website to discover your tendency.
The Key Traits of Each Tendency
Rubin tracks quiz results on her site and has found that the largest of the four tendencies is the Obliger, about 41%. Obligers respond readily to others’ expectations and are less responsive to their own. Rubin’s motto for this tendency is, “You can count on me and I’m counting on you to count on me.”
The second largest tendency is the Questioner, about 24%. Questioners like me ask a lot of questions. They are responsive to inner expectations and less so to outer expectations. Their motto: “I’ll comply if you convince me why.”
The third tendency is the Upholder, about 19%. Upholders are responsive to their own AND others’ expectations about equally. Their motto: “Discipline leads to freedom.”
The final tendency is the Rebel, the smallest group, only 16%. People with this tendency are neither responsive to their own nor others’ expectations. Their motto: “You can’t make me and neither can I.”
This framework is a goldmine for customizing approaches to ensure team members are free to express their natural tendency to accomplish organizational objectives. Medical professionals are using the Four Tendencies, for instance, to tailor instructions and advice to patients with different tendencies to improve treatment adherence.