Be a Trampoline Listener
We’ve all been there. We’re speaking with a colleague, a friend, our child or our partner about something they’re uneasy about. At some point we realize we feel uncomfortable or pressed for time. To end the conversation quickly, we offer insensitive advice, such as “Here’s what you need to do”.
When we stopped really listening, there’s an excellent chance the other person felt dismissed at a time they needed empathy and validation. (See an earlier post about how tough it can be to receive un-asked for advice.)
One of the most important skills a leader needs is the ability to listen well to co-workers. Most of us believe we are good listeners because we maintain eye contact, nod our heads and repeat phrases the other person has said. But Harvard Business School’s Robin Abrahams and Boris Groysberg say “active listening” is much more complex and has cognitive, emotional and behavioral aspects.
According to a recent Harvard Business Review piece, active listening involves mastering a myriad of skills — from learning how to read subtle cues to controlling your own emotional response. It requires empathy, intention and self-awareness.
When considering ways to improve active listening skills, I like this metaphor offered by leadership consultants Jack Zenger and Joseph Folkman: “You’re not a sponge merely absorbing information. Instead, think of yourself more like a trampoline that gives the speaker’s thoughts energy, acceleration, height and amplification.”
The consultants suggest starting by understanding your default listening mode. Turns out there are several common listening styles, some more effective than others. To be a listening virtuoso, we need to be able to switch between the styles, as each situation calls for a different one.
The HBR article credits the authors Rebecca Minehart, Benjamin Symon, and Laura Rock as having identified the following distinct listening styles:
A task-oriented listener is focused on efficiency, and shapes a conversation around the transfer of important information.
An analytical listener aims to analyze a problem from a neutral starting point.
A relational listener seeks to build connection and understand and respond to the emotions underlying a message.
A critical listener typically judges both the content of the conversation and the speaker themselves.
I'd add a fifth type -- a fixer or problem-solver listener, one who seeks to come up with the perfect solution to the other person's challenge -- whether or not it's a good fit and regardless of whether the person asked for or wanted advice.
I recently started volunteering with a program that matches UC Berkeley undergrads with trained community members for “self-actualization coaching.” Last week I had my first meeting with the student I’ll coach this semester -- a senior graduating in May with big decisions to make. It’s an honor and an awesome responsibility. My goal for our coaching sessions is to be "a trampoline listener” who reflects back the young woman's thoughts with energy, lifts up her inner strengths and amplifies her self-confidence.